Skip to content

‘Falling into’ caring for parents

Working out agreements over financial support and personal support can help everyone prepare for a transition
89839mapleridgeparenting

Having an aging parent or parents move in with you brings a significant change in lifestyle.

For those who are happy to do so, the change is a positive opportunity to offer payback for the many years of sacrifices made by your parents.

For those who either feel obligated to do so, or perhaps have no other alternative, the new responsibility is a difficult adjustment for everyone, parents, caregivers, spouses and perhaps children still living at home.

We all have our rose-coloured glasses on when we think of such circumstances in theory. Most of us would readily suggest that we wouldn’t think twice about opening our homes to our parents.

But that readiness is often steeped in past experiences, with independent parents and short visits.

The reality is often quite different if a parent has suffered a significant physical or mental health setback, or if the move is a permanent one that impacts on the caregiver’s family life or finances.

Although most parents admit that they are sad to see their last child move out of the house, the peace, quiet and freedom that follows shortly thereafter is generally viewed as a good thing.

After many years of living on schedules driven by the needs of others, that ability to control entirely one’s own schedule, especially after retirement, is a surprisingly uplifting feeling.

But the timing of such freedom from children is often countered by the increasing sense that parents might need some support.

And what happens when, say, three siblings are reaching this stage, but only one can provide such support?

Is there a risk of a renewed sibling rivalry as one takes on the work of support and the other two send postcards of their vacations?

Is there a risk that this drives a wedge between couples where the spouse resents the needs of the in-laws, particularly when other siblings do not or cannot step forward to help, either sharing the care or sharing the financial load?

The majority of people I speak to who are caring for parents in their own home tend to comment that they “fell into” the role because they either lived close to their parents or were the only ones in the family willing or able to help out.

In some cases, they have wonderful relationships with siblings who will come and stay to help while they do some traveling or simply take time to get away with their own family.

In other cases, they bristle with frustration over siblings that offer little to their parents’ care except criticism or suggestions of what is best for them.

Like so many other matters in eldercare, the issue of sibling participation in the care of parents who need it is best planned before the need is real and when no one is feeling “trapped” by circumstances over which they have little control.

Working out agreements over financial support and personal support can help everyone prepare for a transition that will be a positive experience for all.

Graham Hookey writes about education, parenting and eldercare

(ghookey@yahoo.com).