I had a conversation with my mom last week that was one of those uncomfortable ones that comes up every now and then.
Since the passing of my father this fall, my mom has moved in with my wife and I, at least for the winter.
For the most part, I think she has taken well to it, but every now and then she’ll say something that requires clarification.
This week, she made an offhand comment about being a ‘burden.’
It came from a discussion we were having about my wife and I traveling in our retirement.
Essentially, I was saying that except for travel to visit friends and family, my wife and I had no major plans to do much world travel, more a financial limitation than a lifestyle choice.
I also made reference to the fact that I was still paying education costs for my kids and had two cats and a dog that limited most travel adventures to eight-hour trips.
Then she dropped the bomb.
“Yes, and your old mother is hanging around your neck like an anchor.”
We’ve had some minor discussions around this topic before. She has said, several times, that she and my father had many conversations where they pledged that they would never want to burden their children and would rather be put in a home if they had to be cared for.
Most of the time I have let her roll through that topic with a simple acknowledgment or a humourous deflection.
My wife and I have certainly had the same conversations about our future and our kids.
But theory and reality are two different things.
I stopped my mom, moved closer to her to be sure she should see and hear me properly and I spoke very purposefully and clearly to her. I explained that my objective is not to tell her what to do, to live with us or not, but to give her options that would allow her choices to give her the most comfort, safety and happiness.
The burden is not where she is living, but that she is living in the best situation possible.
I tried to be sure that she understood that if she was not living with us, but was not comfortable, safe nor happy with her living situation, the worry of that for my sister and I would be a true burden.
She remains stubbornly unconvinced, of course. But after years of independence, the burden of a changed lifestyle is probably greater for her than it is for us.
We just launched our children out of the house a couple of years ago, so someone living with us is what our lifestyle has been for many years now; this is no adjustment or burden to us.
Not being in her own home, following her own routines or doing whatever she wants to do whenever she wants to do it, is, in fact, an adjustment or perhaps even a burden to her.
She is still getting her head around that.
This spring I will take her back and set her up in her own home again. I suspect the routines there will seem hollow without my dad around, so her unsettlement will likely continue.
I’ll stay with her, and if she wishes, I’ll take her to visit other housing options. If she finds something that she honestly feels is a better option, I will support her decision, with the proviso that she understands that having her around us, knowing she is safe and sound, is the least burdensome of any decision she could make, and, thus, if her choice doesn’t pan out to be as satisfying as she wants it to be, she will always be welcome to be part of our household.
As I ended the conversation, I reminded her that our home has always been a safe haven for stray cats, dogs, kids and grandmas, and that is just the way we like it.
Graham Hookey writes about education, parenting and eldercare
(ghookey@yahoo.com)