The past president of the Ridge Meadows Senior Society was too young to remember his father before he contracted tuberculosis. But when Ray Koob’s dad came home from the hospital in Prince Albert, Saskatchewan, eight years had passed.
Treatment for TB in the 1930s often failed. Ray was 13, the oldest of four kids, when his mom called a cab to the farm. Dad’s lungs had hemorrhaged. En route to the clinic, with Ray next to him, he died.
Ray says “consumption,” or the “white plague” was highly infectious and feared at the turn of the 20th century. In 1938, at its peak, 19,000 Canadians like Ray’s father occupied beds in 61 specially built TB clinics across the country. Others waited to get one.
During the Depression, there was no government welfare. Families relied on ingenuity, and the good will of neighbors for day-to-day survival. Ray’s mom worked at a chicken processing plant. A couple of uncles shared vegetables. Ray scooped up chaff at a grain threshing mill.
“That was our cereal. It wasn’t that bad,” Ray says.
His mom believed neighbors should look after each other. “She was always giving. She kept chickens and shared eggs with families that didn’t have any; made more stew than our family needed. I remember her taking us kids by the hand and going over to someone’s place with a meal.”
Ray recalls a mentally handicapped woman his mom took in because nobody else would. “She became part of our family until her own would look after her.”
Ray says his mom’s model of compassion inspires his volunteer work. As past president of the Ridge Meadows Seniors Society, Ray recently helped organize a financial literary seminar that I sat in on. Seniors learned the ins-and-outs of assigning power of attorney, and the value of networking as a way to look after each other.
“These are the things baby boomers should be looking into,” says Ray, “but they’ll probably leave it to the last moment.”
Today is Friday. Ray’s delivering hot meals. Wheels on Meals is one of many community service programs designed to help seniors “remain in their homes as long as possible.”
Ray’s been a volunteer for 14 years. Folks like him provide important social contact to those who might feel lonely; a friendly visit from someone who checks in regularly.
Ray has found other ways to help his neighbors. Older people often find it difficult to communicate to officials who have information for them. Ray accompanies them to meetings and helps explain the information they receive.
Ray’s also a volunteer of the Maple Ridge Caregivers Support Group, which meets twice weekly at the Maple Ridge seniors’ centre. ‘Caregivers’ look after mates no longer able to care for themselves.
Few people are ready for the emotional and physical strains involved.
“Seniors don’t think about what they’ll face until it happens,” says Ray. “They weren’t connected with professionals, or volunteers who they could talk to about care giving.” Who to turn to for advice is one of their first questions.
There’s a lot to think about. The mate’s medical program must be supervised; a task sometimes made more difficult by dementia. A partner, says Ray, might refuse to wear a hearing aide, or take his medication.
“They can get jealous of the time spent away from them,” adds Ray, “critical of the lunch made for them, or accusatory. A person cared for can become emotionally or physically abusive, or slip in and out of depression like a musical tap dancer.”
Ray says a senior’s peers understand better than anyone.
“There is usually no personal relationship between the doctor and the patient. Some have more empathy than others, but talking to a GP can be like talking to a truck driver.”
Members of the support group listen, give guidance. A caregiver can talk about anything.
“If you care for someone at home you can relate to what’s happening,” says Ray.
“If someone passes, members become a grieving group. Everyone goes through it together, like a family.”
When I met Ray, I was looking for answers for my mother-in-law, who had become a caregiver. She was overwhelmed by responsibilities and confused by her own emotions.
“How will I survive personally is one of the first things you think about,” says Ray. “There’s a grieving stage for what’s gone from the relationship, and resentment for what they will now miss.”
My mother-in-law had guidance from friends – caregivers themselves. I wondered about folks without that supportive circle. Who were the people in any community ready to help a stranger through the difficult transition of caregiving?
In Maple Ridge, answers can be found in the Seniors Resource Guide, a booklet produced by the Seniors Network (604-786-7404). Community services lists volunteers to help with shopping, transportation, handyman services, and real people to answer the phone if you call.
“We make sure seniors are connected to the resources they need, whether it’s something we provide here or that someone else provides,” says program worker Diana Vivian.
There are probably folks like her in every town along the Fraser.
I hope there’s also somebody like Ray Koob following closely in his mother’s footsteps.
• New caregivers, and even baby boomers can reach Ray at the Maple Ridge seniors’ centre.
Jack Emberly is a retired teacher, local author and environmentalist.